Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Emails From the Future

I recently received two Emails from the year 2012. Now, receiving an Email from the future is odd, but what makes it even odder is that each Email appears to be from an alternative time line. One time line appears to be a world where Barack Obama has had a successful presidency and the other appears to be from an unsuccessful Obama presidency.

This is the disaster presidency:

November 10th, 2012
CC: Fmr Rep. Pelosi, Fmr Sen. Reid, Lame Duck President Obama
From: Palin-Jindal ‘12 Campaign
Subject: Thanks guys!
Hi guys
I’ve got to tell you, 4 years ago I never dreamed I would be writing this Email! I mean who woulda thunk that little Sarah Barracuda would ever beat a sitting president in a close election? After John and I lost the election in 2008 all the experts I talked to said that our goose was cooked and that the GOP would become a minority party baring some kind of disaster from within the Democrats. Insofar as you guys were instrumental in causing the destruction of your party, Governor Jindal and I send our sincere thanks.

I guess our path to victory really began during the transition. Although then President-Elect Obama gave a rousing speech in the wee hours of November 5th, all his fancy talk of post-partisan politics and pragmatic solutions fell by the wayside when then-House Speaker Pelosi and then-Senate Majority Leader Reid began announcing their legislative agendas for 2009. Why, just think, if you guys hadn’t spent so much time in January and February fighting to enact the Fairness Doctrine and card check laws, Obama’s health care plan might have gotten somewhere.

Of course President Obama and Fmr Vice President Biden didn’t help matters much when, in February of 2009, just as the new president was trying to get his cabinet approved, Vice President Biden gave an interview where he said that he thought the Charlie Rangel’s bill which would have nationalized 401ks “Made some sense”. Things only went downhill from there as President Obama first tried to defend the comments, comparing Biden to an “old uncle who says goofy things”; then trying to distance himself from the comments by saying that “Joe Biden does not represent my views or for that matter the views of this administration”; finally culminating in the now infamous “Throw Biden under the bus” speech, which reportedly contributed to Biden’s decision to resign the vice presidency in early 2010, ostensibly for “health reasons”. I have to tell you guys, watching the mini civil war that erupted as Hillary Clinton angled herself to be appointed VP, and then watching her announce that she would now be an independent when Obama refused her request was very entertaining.

I have to admit, you guys were dealt a lousy hand. The recession assured that you guys would never be able to enact your promised tax cuts or that second stimulus plan. And the skyrocketing unemployment rate was not helped by the “Fair Trade” bill passed narrowly in the Senate and overwhelmingly in the House that required the U.S. to only trade with nations that paid their workers a “fair wage”. I guess it’s ironic that the bill that guaranteed the Democrat’s defeat in 2010 was also the first bill repealed by the new Republican majority in 2011. By the way, I should tell you guys that Senators Rice and Romney, and Senators elect Schwarzenegger and Giuliani also send their thanks for the way you guys ran things these last four years. But the good news is that unemployment has finally fallen back to the single digits (9.8%!) for the first time since early 2009.

Of course it must be noted that not all Democrats deserve thanks. The 50 or so Dems who quit their party when Fmr Speaker Pelosi tried to cram the assault weapons ban down their throats; thus killing the ban and probably stopping the GOP from picking up several seats in rural districts in “red” states. And Senators Webb, Clinton and Lieberman, who, along with Senators McCain and Voinovich, formed the moderate caucus in mid-2009, promising to focus on pragmatic solutions to energy and healthcare. Thank goodness you guys did so much to punish their efforts!

In closing, 2008 was a dark year for Conservatives. Many worried that we had lost our way; others felt that we needed to rethink our philosophy. Lucky for us you guys were more interested in settling scores than with governing. It turns out we didn’t need a new philosophy, all we had to do was let you guys rerun all your old liberal arguments and then point to the mess you made. Once again, Vice President Jindal and I offer our thanks.

President-Elect Palin,
Vice-President-Elect Jindal
And the RNC.

This is the success:

November 10th, 2012
CC: Fmr Governor Huckabee, Fmr Governor Palin, Fmr Speaker Pelosi, Fmr Majority Leader Reid, Senator-Elect Patraeus, Governor Jindal, Amb. McCain, Amb. Clinton
Subject: My reelection campaign

Greetings and salutations ladies and gentlemen

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of my supporters who assisted in my reelection campaign. When I came to Washington I asked the American people not just to take a chance on me, but to take a chance on themselves as well, because I knew that we, as a nation, were ready to face the challenges before us if we could find a way to put aside the smallness of our partisan politics. I stand in owe in the progress we have made in these last for years, and I am humbled that the American people once again saw fit to ask me to lead them in this wonderful journey.

I would like to start by congratulating governors Palin and Huckabee on a well-fought campaign. We certainly had a number of vigorous debates about the future of this nation, but in the end I was truly moved by both your concession speeches. Governor Palin, as a father of two daughters I found your candidacy an inspiration to little girls everywhere. Governor Huckabee, your speech the day after election about the progress that has been made since your boyhood in the segregated south moved both the first lady and myself to tears. I sincerely hope you will consider my offer to join us in the New Year as my health and human services secretary.

To former speaker Pelosi, and to former Congressman Rangel and former Senators Reid, Boxer and Feinstein I have to say: sorry I had to throw you guys under various buses over the last four years and I hope that you are all enjoying a relaxing retirement. I am aware that many Democrats believe that my repudiations of various bills and proposals you made contributed to Democratic loses in the House and Senate in 2010, but I wholeheartedly believe that the American people sent me to Washington not just advance some abstract philosophy, but to work on real solutions to the issues that plague the middle class. To that end, I appreciate the fact that you guys granted me fast track trade authority early in my term; though it is too bad none of the “Fair Trade” bill you guys proposed ever picked up quit enough support to make it through. We will continue to explore this issue in the New Year. On a happier note, I must say that Speaker Boehner and I have built a very constructive relationship.

To Ambassadors McCain and Clinton, I hope you two are enjoying India and China, respectively. John, we fought a hard campaign, but I appreciated the assistance you gave me in getting my energy bill through the Senate. I also appreciated the wise council you offered in dealing with the deteriorating situation in the former nation of Russia. And President Clinton, your assistance in constructing the Camp David Plan for peace in the Kashmir region was invaluable. Each of you gentlemen is a true statesman and I look forward to continuing our work over the next 4 years.

I would be remiss, of course, to talk about the Camp David Plan without mentioning the wonderful work done by Senator-Elect Patraeus. The COIN plan you enacted in Waziristan in 2009 started a chain reaction that minimized Al Qaeda’s presence in the region and provided enough breathing space for India and Pakistan to begin making real progress in resolving the Kashmir issue. I still believe that the Democratic Party has a tent big enough to include a man with your more conservative values sir, but I am equally certain that your service as an elected official will be as successful as your service in uniform whatever party you represent. And I must add that your address to the Republican Convention earlier this year was magnificent, eclipsed only by the moving “A Nation of Immigrants” speech offered by Governor Jindal. I must say that I am glad my time in elected office will be finished before you gentlemen decide to run for the highest office, because either of you would be a worthy opponent for anyone in my party.

In closing, 2008 was a dark year for our country. We were demoralized by turmoil at home and uncertainty abroad. Our nation was mired by style of politics that emphasized divisive issues and treated policy as a game of winner-take-all. I am proud to have been a small part of a switch from the politics of winner-take-all; to the politics of we are all in this together.

President Barack Obama

1 comment:

J said...

We shall see....